Confusion and not knowing

Making plan and sticking to it. Being pro-active. Improving yourself continuously. Living by the expectations. Keeping the promises.

These are mantras of success. The effectiveness of these rules is proven by the general consensus in placing high value on these qualities.
However, it appears that there is another aspect of these collective ‘matter-of-fact’ rationality. There is a subtle sense of denying the very present state of our mundane existence.
Every time we press ourselves to stick to the plan we made some years, months, weeks or hours ago, deep within we start becoming aggressive to the present-ness of the situation. In the process of being pro-active we practice being conformist, bound by the ideas, planning every next step to reach the next-to-next one. It makes perfect sense to us to aspire to improve ourselves with every passing day, although we are not sure enough what part of this me is to be mended to make the image on the mirror look more sane and proper? Increasing the typing speed? Stopping feeling jealous towards others feat? Or following others footstep to achieve the same? Improving myself might mean to be free of ill-will? But then I have to feel ‘ill’ enough to be motivated to get rid of this ‘ill-willed’ self. The proposition looks bit paradoxical. And then, living by the expectations and the dead-end alley of keeping promises seem to be two of the most unnerving acid-tests of being human. Together they make a world ruled by others perceptions, essentially colored by myriad different hues of individual standards, limited by one’s own judgmental take on the reflection on the personal window.
Practice teach us there is absolutely nothing that we can hate about ourselves. And all that is there is the fluidity of life. Accepting this shaky, jealous and uncertain me is the path to recognize myself. To establish the ‘here-and-now’-ness of our meditating hour into everyday life, we can no more bind ourselves by perceptions. The stumbling steps of not being certain about my plan is being open to the possibilities. Promises can be regarded as the best possible option to respect the immediacy of the situation, rather than the effort to climb the mountain with the sack of sand collected long ago from a faraway sea-shore.
Accepting the state of ‘confusion and not-knowing’ enriches the path of understanding the reality.

Then, perhaps, it is prudent not to be too sure about this idea. I am exploring and the search is on.

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