When I started meditating I was overconfident and at times arrogant. Meditating every day has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life. Instead of driving forward into a more loving and successful life, I’ve found myself to be simply unpacking all of the crap inside of me. I’ve been putting the brakes on the cavalier life I was living that was accidentally causing harm to so many people. Meditation made me aware of many of the unintended side effects of my actions. For a while I was afraid to do anything out of fear of causing someone harm.
Part of the reality of this change was that I no longer understood where my life was going, or even where I wanted it to go. I just kept meditating so I would stop going in the direction I had been going.
And suddenly, I feel like my life has stopped. After 3 years of meditating, I feel like the old momentum has finally dissipated. It’s a strange feeling.
And just as quickly as my life stopped, I’m starting to feel my life being pulled in a new direction, the right direction. I’m starting to see the future just a little more clearly. More importantly, I’m starting to feel that I’m moving in the right direction.
While it still seems crazy, I must admit that dhamma seems to be better at planning my future than I am. Dhamma sees connections and value in things that I don’t even notice, but somehow they flourish into just the right thing at the right time. Honestly, I’m not sure if I should try to push forward myself or continue to let Dhamma do the heavy lifting. The only thing I know is that I no longer feel like I’m moving backwards and I can feel myself starting to move forwards. That’s pretty cool. Time to meditate.
One thought on “Am I Done Unpacking?”
Its difficult to let go the steering wheel out of our hands.. but the funny side is that we actually don’t know how it looks like so end up considering the accelerator as the steering and when it does not take the car to the ‘desired’ direction we identify our mistake and quickly start using the brakes as the steering…