When I started meditating I was overconfident and at times arrogant. Meditating every day has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life. Instead of driving forward into a more loving and successful life, I’ve found myself to be simply unpacking all of the crap inside of me. I’ve been putting the brakes on the cavalier life I was living that was accidentally causing harm to so many people. Meditation made me aware of many of the unintended side effects of my actions. For a while I was afraid to do anything out of fear of causing someone harm.
Part of the reality of this change was that I no longer understood where my life was going, or even where I wanted it to go. I just kept meditating so I would stop going in the direction I had been going.
And suddenly, I feel like my life has stopped. After 3 years of meditating, I feel like the old momentum has finally dissipated. It’s a strange feeling.
And just as quickly as my life stopped, I’m starting to feel my life being pulled in a new direction, the right direction. I’m starting to see the future just a little more clearly. More importantly, I’m starting to feel that I’m moving in the right direction.
While it still seems crazy, I must admit that dhamma seems to be better at planning my future than I am. Dhamma sees connections and value in things that I don’t even notice, but somehow they flourish into just the right thing at the right time. Honestly, I’m not sure if I should try to push forward myself or continue to let Dhamma do the heavy lifting. The only thing I know is that I no longer feel like I’m moving backwards and I can feel myself starting to move forwards. That’s pretty cool. Time to meditate.