Once upon a time there was this little girl who lived inside me. The child had a considerably lonely childhood with all those childhood insecurities and she used to face them alone. But she was at peace in her own mental space, an isolated though bit obscure one. She did not look for comfort zone in others as she felt there was none. She used to live in her own world playing with whatever little things were available to her. She was a brave little human, vulnerable yet secured.
Now, after all these years journey as a somewhat functional human being, when I look at myself I wonder seeing how that brave child has turned into a conditioned adult who always looks for either social or emotional shelter. Fear has become the driving force of my reality. I fear to be alone out there in the cold night so I try to hold the hands of someone else. Even if I feel secured at present I fear of losing that ‘feeling’ in future. So I fear of losing the present moment, I fear of annoying others, I fear of getting rejected, I fear of not feeling being ‘loved’, I fear of failure, I fear of getting late for the meeting, I fear of missing the train, I fear of facing the pain. And I see myself constantly trying to manipulate everything around me to be in a more secured state. It’s a never ending vicious cycle. Every moment fuelled by the fossil of the earlier one. Every moment sacrificed for the sake of the next one.
Sitting unmoving in my meditating cushion in silence I could visualize this feeble mind walking on a trapeze hung over a bed of fire, ever anxious to lose the balance. The only place it has to rest the foot on was the trapeze itself. The trapeze , the moment-now. Ever transient but truest and sharpest affirmation to my identity free from fear and insecurities.
It is always there with me. This very moment. Without fear. Without doubts. And it demands zero manipulation. All I need to do is just to be with it. Quite like the way that little girl used to do long back.
One thought on “That little girl i used to know long back”
I love your blog. I know that state of mind. It is so difficult to be with ‘it’ and not to react just observe. I look forward to reading more of your experiences and thoughts……..With metta