I’ve heard that one of the stages along the path is the point where you are 100% confident that Vipassana is the technique that will take you to the final goal of liberation. Since I’m not even sure exactly what liberation is, I am obviously a long way off from reaching this stage, but what line of thinking got me wondering what it is that I do believe.
I know that Vipassana helps me to connect with my true self, or pure self. As I’ve meditated, I’ve slowly been able to feel more clearly the metta within me. I know that Vipassana leads everyone in the same direction. Everyone I know who meditates regularly is living a healthier, more moral life than they did before. I know that I value the wisdom that grows from looking inside myself.
Where things start to get a little blurry is when I consider “leaving it to dhamma” to guide my life. I’ve heard this phrase many time, and I often think about “trusting dhamma,” but I’m not sure I believe that dhamma is guiding my life. There’s an intellectual hold up for me. I can understand how meditating is helping me think more clearly and act more confidently, but in order to let go and trust dhamma to guide my life I must believe that meditating is impacting the forces outside my body for the better. For example, the right job, the right people, or the right situations will always present themselves when the time is right.
Now I’ve definitely experienced circumstances where everything just seems to fall into place or the right resource just seems to appear out of no where, but I can’t believe that this always happens. I’m afraid to stop trying to make things happen in my life because I don’t want to miss my chance or opportunity to do something. Opportunities seem rare and I don’t want to miss mine because my head is in the sand. Maybe someday I’ll understand what I’m supposed to believe in. Time to meditate.