Fighting Out Of Fear

Vipassana has challenged me to let go of many things. I’m currently having a lot of trouble letting go of the desire to fight, compete, and stick up for myself. I was taught that these were the things that defined me and my success. I worked hard to do the best I could because it made me look good. I stuck up for myself because I didn’t want to get lost in the crowd or marginalized. If I had a strong reputation, people took what I said seriously, and that was important. Now it feels like all of these things are linked to me ego.

Does being the best really matter? Is it a bad thing to be lost in the crowd? What would happen if I stopped needing to compete all the time? I’ve been asking myself these questions a lot recently, and I’ve concluded that I’m afraid to stop competing. When I’m competing, I can define myself as better than one group, and worse than another group. Regardless of how I perform, I have an identity, and I have a direction to work towards. This is comforting. My fear is that I would be lost if I lost this label. Who would I be? What would I stand for?

The truth is, I would probably be happier and more peaceful if I didn’t compete all of the time. The people who were competing would ignore me because I was no longer a threat to their status, and the people who were left would probably be genuinely interested in getting to know me or help me. That sounds pretty good!

Instead of wasting time climbing human designed social ladders, I could focus on connecting with natural peace and love. Instead of worrying that I’ll be left behind, I should be excited that more meaningful goals will rise to he surface. Easier said than done. Time to go meditate.

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