Nowadays, writing for Living Vipassana seems to be more challenging than ever. The root of this challenge is that no idea sticks to me for a time long enough to catch them and seal them in black and white. I am sorting through the ideas, picking them up, building on them, starting the writing and suddenly finding the very idea does not sound ‘solid enough’ to me anymore. At least, at the cognitive level. All the propositions, understandings, convictions play with each other like bubbles. Light and nonchalant, they disappear in fluid transience, leaving me in a state of ‘hopeless-ness’. I feel I need to go more, stoop more, wait more and watch more to understand them once again.
This is frustrating. And amusing.
Sometimes I get convinced I am not ‘creative’ enough to write a little decent piece on my ow experience. Nevertheless, this ambiguity has indeed become the core of my experience. Or more precisely, the perception of experience, the understanding of ‘what is what’. Not only in writing, but also in other areas of my daily living, I am finding things to be extremely volatile and effervescent. Anything left unattended for a while, changes shape and form. How difficult it is to maintain coherence in my day-to-day tiny successes, heartbreaking failures, feeling-low-getting high, lost and found incidents if I don’t attend those moments with one-pointed determination in order to keep track of them. In fact, if I don’t take them too seriously, they become vague, preferring departing over negotiation. Not too much joy with shivering earlobes neither too much pain with choking throat, heavy heart. Hilariously, all these understandings are volatile too. After a spell of letting-go, there are patches of high-strung emotional dramas inside. It is literally a roller-coaster taking me into a journey of learning and unlearning the basics.
Is not meditation all about clarity and convictions?
Or is it about clarity about ‘convictions’?