I’ve been here before. Everything seems good; life is settling down. My meditations don’t have painful gross sensations, but I can’t really feel the subtle sensations either. I know it will just take a few days for my mind to settle. I know a new set of challenges awaits me at a deeper level of my mind. As new sensations arise, trepidation comes with it. I’ve become attached to the peaceful calm of the last few days; I don’t want to go deeper.
I’m tempted to step off the path for a bit. I try to convince myself that I can simply step to the side and hold my place for a little while. Deep down I know that I can either move forward or backward with no in-between. I’m afraid that by going deeper I’ll be losing something. I’ll be losing my friends who don’t understand, stirring cages with my family that I don’t want to disturb, and losing myself one more time in this process of arising and passing away.
I’m supposed to be less attached to this self. I should be used to letting go, but each time I’m remember how difficult the journey was last time. Then I realize that there’s no other choice. The only way to spread my wings is to continue walking forward. I’ll find the strength and support I need to move forward, just as I always have, even though it’s unclear where the support will come from. I’ve walked on the path enough to trust it. Dhamma hasn’t let me down yet. I will find strength. Time to meditate.
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