Last time, I wrote about my resistance towards using thoughts or past memories to arouse Metta. I’ve since spoken with a senior A.T. about this matter and he agreed that yes using the imagination is a “fake it till you make it” approach to Metta. He also reminded me that “making it” means over flowing my cup; in order to send Metta outward I first need to be full and overflowing with vibrations of love and kindness towards myself.
I normally assume I love myself to the best of my ability every day, but lately I’ve been thinking of love more as action than a vibration. Taking the adult responsibility to look out for my future has meant putting my inner child to work a little more than I’d like to. I was aware this wasn’t ideal but I also knew it wasn’t forever. Most of family and friends have appreciated my efforts toward personal responsibility, though someone very dear to my heart has seemed continually disturbed by my lifestyle. “You sure don’t do much for yourself these days” she would say. I would answer, “what do you mean? I’m doing everything I can to get my career back on track.”
Now I understand what was happening, my dear friend was missing my vibration, she was missing my soaring, inspired heart. I thought I could live the work-a-holic life for a little while and no one would notice, but I can’t pop out from my cave once or twice a day to sprinkle some love around when I’m generally not enjoying life. To be honest with myself even to let one day go by that way doesn’t feel right, it’s like a day I didn’t live.
I dare to sacrifice a little responsibility to live more fully each day? It will risk the future, but I think I may.